Monday, June 29, 2015

My Birthday Boy

I think it's a mom thing. Every child's birthday that comes around takes us down memory lane of the first day we ever laid eyes on our baby. I still do it with our oldest and we've celebrated six birthdays with her.  So this week wasn't any different.  I sat this afternoon and poured out to a friend every detail of Zekey's birth story... my nauseousness the night before--wondering if I was crazy or if I was REALLY going to have a baby a week before my due date; our dog running away and me hauling two small children around the neighborhood with a leash in hand, knocking on doors trying to hunt him down; my water breaking in the garage and my only concern being that my husband finish vacuuming out the car before we left for the hospital because I couldn't do it myself. I remember it all plain as day, and I'm hopeful I always will.  Because it's the little moments leading up to the big moments that encompassed what now feels like one of the shortest windows in my life...my sweet Ezekiel James.

The only difference about this birthday is that my walk down memory lane didn't end with me squeezing my baby and whispering in his ear to stop growing so fast before I laid him down to sleep. Instead of watching him toddle around, I spotted strangers' babies and tried guessing how old they were in my head.  I've dreaded this day for a long time. A long, long time.  I read in a grief book that milestones can be so hard, but to remember that they're only 24 hours and eventually the 24 hours will be over and it'll be a new day.  Unfortunately it felt like the seven days of 24 hours leading up to these 24 hours were actually the hardest.  My arms want him to be here.  My ears long for his voice and my heart, my heart will never be the same.

So last night as Matt and I laid in bed, we scrolled through every picture of Zekey boy that we have on our phones. We watched every video with his coos and cries and we cried. We cried and we cried and we cried, just like we did every night this week that led up to this one. And then, then I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. Peace. I knew in my heart that as badly as I want my boy back, my life has changed and having him back wouldn't be the exact same life, plus him. It would be different altogether. I wouldn't have these eyes. These eyes that see things differently. These eyes that ache for eternity, for the life we were truly created for. And that peace, that peace gave me this overwhelming feeling that I could still celebrate my boy today because he is still alive. He's more alive than I am and his short little life is still worth celebrating. He's changed me and he's changed lots and lots of other people and even though it was short, his life has served, not just served, but completed its purpose just as much as if he had 89 birthdays before he died.

I love you, Zekey boy. I would say, I love you more than you will ever know, like I always tell your brother and sister, but you're whole already, completely WHOLE, so maybe you actually do know how much I love you?!?! It's a LOT.

11 comments:

  1. I love you guys. My mommy heart aches for your grief. But God is so good. I see your ought gettin brighter for people every day. Thanks for sharing this. 💙

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  2. Thank you for sharing this Jules. I always love reading your writing. Wishing you a happy birthday Baby Zekey! We love you guys!

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  3. Jules- Matt and you have amazing faith and a wonderful model to other. I keep running into people that know you and Zekey's story. I love you guys and send prayers your way for the family.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your heart baby girl. The most important desire for me as a mother has been that my children would grow to love the Lord their God, as their own, with all their heart and to live fully for Him. Ezekiel's death has been something a mother never expects to happen to her child's baby or one of her grand babies. But it did, and through it all you and Matt have clung to Jesus and clung to one another. This mama says, "I'm proud of you and thank you Jesus". We don't always understand God's plan (and maybe never will till eternity...and then it won't matter) but we do know the Planner and are commanded to thank Him and trust Him. And that, you are doing. God is good all the time. I miss Zekey bug and love him to heaven and back. Love you, Matt, Madi, and Emmitt and are continuing pray.

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  5. Your words are powerful, "And then, then I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. Peace. I knew in my heart that as badly as I want my boy back, my life has changed and having him back wouldn't be the exact same life, plus him." and I am undone by them. "I wouldn't have these eyes. These eyes that see things differently. These eyes that ache for eternity, for the life we were truly created for." which expresses the why I do not have words to express, as you have/are walked/ing the walk. Finally, as we miss Ruth who would have turned 89 years last week, as you said, "He's changed me and he's changed lots and lots of other people and even though it was short, his life has served, not just served, but completed its purpose just as much as if he had 89 birthdays before he died.". Wrapping my arms around you and the family, in Jesus' tender love, Patty.

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  6. Your faith and trust in Jesus is so amazing to witness. I'm so thankful you experienced that overwhelming peace. It's what I was (and I'm sure many, many others were) praying for. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you.

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  7. Your faith and trust in Jesus is so amazing to witness. I'm so thankful you experienced that overwhelming peace. It's what I was (and I'm sure many, many others were) praying for. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you.

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  8. There are no words. Thank you. My heart and my faith are strengthened by you and this blog.

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  9. I just read your recent blog with your sunset photos and made this comment, "God has given you a beautiful perspective on "life", reflecting "life" on this earth and in heaven. Blessings to you for sharing, as we can be so limited in our view, having not experienced what you have/are walking through with your son being in heaven. Sending Jesus' tender love, Patty.". I just read this blog, where you wrote " I wouldn't have these eyes. These eyes that see things differently. These eyes that ache for eternity, for the life we were truly created for." Plus the truth in my life, these words that you wrote, " I wouldn't have these eyes. These eyes that see things differently. These eyes that ache for eternity, for the life we were truly created for." WOW and oodles of love! Patty Chalupsky

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  10. Oops, the last quote that I wrote should have been "He's changed me and he's changed lots and lots of other people and even though it was short, his life has served, not just served, but completed its purpose just as much as if he had 89 birthdays before he died. Patty Chalupsky, one of those "people":)

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