Life's Scar

One. More. Year. One more year has gone by. One more November 16^th has come and gone. This was four years. Four years since we held our sweet boy in our arms and kissed every ounce of his earthly body goodbye.  We can scroll through pictures and it can still take our breath away, hardly believing he was ours and thatwas our life. 

But it wasour life and thisis our life. 

Grief is hard. It’s long. It’s lonely, and to be completely honest, I don’t think it ever ends. But it does change; I know that. It has seasons and it has storms, and just like living in the Willamette Valley one winter can look completely different from the next. The tears have fallen so easily to me this season and I don’t know why. I’ve tried fighting them and I’ve wondered, why now? It’s been four years! I’ve even asked my husband, why do I have so many tears in my body?He reminded me that sometimes it’s better to endure the seasons that have tears that fall than the seasons when they just won’t come at all. He’s right, but some days I long for the next season, a little drier one. 

On the eve of the 16^thI crawled up in bed with each one of my sleeping children and watched them breathe as I stared into their sweet faces, my nine and a half year old, my seven year old and my three year old. Breath, what a gift it is, I thought to myself. They’ve grown and changed, and even just becomein the last four years and I begged God to open their eyes to Him. 

My life has been forever scarred by grief. It will never be gone, the scar may get lighter in some areas, and darker in others, but it will never disappear. It is a constant reminder that I see the world differently and I have to accept that as a gift. 

2018...

I started out 2017 motivated to write. I’ve had some things on my heart and I wanted to get a game plan going on how to put them onto paper. But then shortly into the year, I listened to a speaker and my heart was convicted. *dun, dun, dun* She said, or what stuck with me, was that to make disciples (our calling as believers) we need nothing more than a passion for Jesus, a Bible, and our living room floor. She gave her testimony and shared about a woman who had discipled her in college and how influential she was in her life-just by spreading her zeal, her love for Jesus. One person, sharing with another person, who shares with another person – multiplying disciples.

My conviction ran deep, of how much more I could know about the Word, about Jesus’ time here on earth, about his love for us and I changed my commitment for 2017. Writing moved to the back burner. I was going to read, and listen, and read some more.

So I started in John and I went through the New Testament – in no specific order, but I kept track of where I’d been. Every reference or quotation that was made of the Old Testament I went back to that spot and made a note and when I finished, I broke into the Old Testament and I read and I listened and I was amazed over all the references and connections from New Testament scripture. When I found something extra intriguing I would dig for more resources (trusted resources) on that passage and I would listen and wonder - pray, and ask questions. I’ve nearly made it through the whole book, Old and New; I have about fifteen books left, and occasionally I’ve stopped and revisited certain places that have been calling to me, but mostly I’ve just kept trudging through. And honestly, I’ve loved every second of it! All of it! He has revealed Himself to me through His Word - passages that I’ve read several times have jumped out completely new to me. Zephaniah! Who knew Zephaniah was such a cool book?!? His word is living and breathing, ALIVE, and every piece of it serves a purpose.  
2017 blessed my heart. My passion for Him, my Anchor, my Deliverer, my Savior is real and I will be the crazy lady who opens up her Bible to whoever will listen on my living room floor because I want him to be real to EVERYONE! I look forward to falling even deeper in love with my Savior and His word in 2018. I look forward to reading it all again and again, and to hearing things anew and longing for eternity even more. I don’t know what this year will bring, but I know My God and His Word won’t change.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

Hebrews 4:12-13

*Fun summer picture courtesy of Emmitt's presentation at school this week :)*

Summer of 2017, Crater Lake